Mungu ni mwema kila siku.

I intended to update this blog while I was in Tanzania, but unfortunately the internet connection there was a tad lacking, so I was forced to wait until I arrived home.

The trip this year was absolutely incredible, and I know I'll never forget it. It was my fourth trip there, but somehow it affected me differently than the past trips. It hit me harder, closer to the heart, and pulled me nearer to my Lord, for which I am very thankful.

We began the trip with a visit to an orphanage, something we've never done before. The kids there arrive as infants and only stay until they're three years old. At that point, they either go to another orphanage, are given to a family member, or are adopted. The kids are absolutely precious. As soon as we arrived, a little girl walked up to me and tugged on my shirt. When I looked down, she held up her tiny arms, wanting me to pick her up. I picked her up, she told me her name was Nina, and she wouldn't let me put her down until our group left (then she screamed). Most of the children wanted to be held, but some of them were scared of us "wazungu (white people in Swahili)" and screamed when we got anywhere near them. After watching us for a little while and realizing that we only wanted to play with them, they let us approach and even hold them.

After the orphanage, we had our "fun day." Our fun day is usually a glorious safari through the Ngorongoro crater, but this year we decided to do something a tad different. We took a tour of a snake park! It was called a "snake park," but it contained many other creatures in addition to the snakes. We saw crocodiles, owls, camels, snakes, and even mice (but they were just being fed to the snakes..)! They allowed us to hold the crocodiles and snakes, which excited some of us and scared the rest.

I have run out of time for the day, but I will return to tell the rest of my adventures in Tanzania sometime soon (hopefully!). Just imagine giant, humpy beasts, walking miles upon miles in the dirt, and sharing God's Word with many people, and you are grasping the tail end of what the trip held in store for us.

The Perfect Last Day

In the far past - well I guess it was not too long ago... it just seems like millions of hours ago - I took a certain Literature class that I was forced to write in. To be honest, most of the time writing stresses me out. However on rare occasions, words flow out of me. In the rare occasion that I wrote this paper for homework, I was very ill indeed. You see, for some reason I could not swallow food very well, and if I swallowed it the food would mostly come back up. Not a pretty site, I must say. And so, without food and without energy and without sleep because my throat hurt terribly from the wicked stomach acid, I wrote. I wanted to have a healthy appetite and to digest my food. But I could not. I was delirious from lack of food, and was escorted to the Hospital (where very hospitable people serve you :). I desperately wished I could swallow a huge white pill that would give me all the nutrients I needed for the day. However, I could not find one. Thus, I was forced to spend hours forcing nasty food down my sore throat all the while knowing that it would soon come back up. In light of the fact that I was unable to pleasurably eat food...here is the paper written while I was starving to death:

29 October 2010

The Perfect Last Day

If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today…the last twenty-four hours of your life? This question filled me with excitement, and I began contemplating all of the little things that would make me happy. Pretty soon, I had the whole last day of my life planned out. First, I would fill a magnificent crystal bowl with fresh luscious strawberries, blue berries, kiwis, and pineapple, and eat, savoring every bite. I would then sit in the center of a garden surrounded by rainbow colored flowers and fluttering butterflies, and inhale the sweet air. In this garden, a white grand piano would stand majestically. I would allow my fingers to dance over the keys creating magical lullabies. After soaking in this sweet, colorful, and musical beauty, I would travel to a bamboo forest and hug the most furry and soft panda bear. Then I would crawl deep into a cave and stare at the crystallizing wonders of the underworld. Returning to the Earth’s surface, I would find an open grassy field that stretched to the horizon. In this green expanse, I would run like the wind, turn cart-wheels, and twirl around with my arms outstretched. Experiencing so much happiness, I would be filled with a dazed sleepiness. Thus, I would travel to the beach. Lulled by the sound of the waves crashing on the sandy seashore, nothing would make me happier than to jump onto a huge bed covered in fluffy white pillows and comforters. I would snuggle down into them and fall, actually ascend, into a deep refreshing sleep. While I slept, I would soar through clouds and rainbows and swim with Merfolk in their golden palaces.

As I looked back on this imaginary perfect last day, a flaw shone through. All of these experiences would only please my five senses. They were not wrong in themselves, but the position in which I put them was flawed. The simple pleasures of this world, as long as they are not sinful, are blessings from God. They are like little treats or desserts. The problem was that I was eating them as my main course. In Luke 12:34 Jesus explains, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” My utmost treasure was in pleasing my physical senses. My heart was in them, and they were my idols. I was placing them above God saying, “They will fulfill me. These experiences will satisfy my desire for happiness. They will make the perfect last day. I do not need God.” What happens after someone fills up on sweets? They will be very energized and happy for a time. However, after the sugar rush wears off, a crash follows. That would happen to me if I placed pleasing my five senses above pleasing the sixth sense which is not of this body but of the soul: Faith. The treats of this world would fill me and excite me for a time as my senses munched on them. Nevertheless, I would start feeling sick and become tired of them. I would always want more… constantly searching for happiness and fulfillment, but finding disappointment and emptiness instead. I cannot fill the hole in my soul with unsatisfying worldly treats. I need real food.

I want to give the last day of my life to God, and feast on His food. God has given me everything I have. “What do you have that you did not receive?” (1 Corinthians 4:7). God gave me a body with senses, a soul that will live forever, and one life to live. The very fact that I survive each day is a blessing from God. Because He created and furnished me with these presents, He knows the best and most fulfilling way to use them. Thus, I will simply, “give to God what is belongs to God” (Luke 20:25). The day is His.

Once the day is God’s, I must discover what His will for the day is and savor it. In John 4: 32, 34 Jesus declared, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about. My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work.” God also promises that, “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13, 14) . . . “those who were hungry hunger no more” (1 Samuel 2:5). I do not want to throw my day away by snacking on the unquenchable desires of my five senses. I will feast on the everlasting food of God, His Word and His will, and cry out to my Father: “Here I am, send me. If you are willing, show me your will for this day, and give me the strength to follow and obey you with all of my heart. Drench me in Your perfect Love and let it bubble over into the lives around me.” My Father will answer, “Ask and it will be given to you. I am willing. Come, and you will see. If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. I have loved you with an everlasting love.” (Matthew 7:7, Luke 5:13, John 1:39, Luke 9:23, Jeremiah 31:3). I want to do what King David said, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). As I feast and delight myself in Him and His will, my unsatisfying fleshly desires will fade. God will consume me with Himself and give me a deeper yearning for Him. “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” (Psalm 42:1, 2). Soon I will realize that He is my food and my dessert, but a dessert whose sweetness will last forever.

The day that God rescues me from myself and my selfish desires completely, and I live wholly for my Savior is worthy of being my last. I do not know when God will come and carry me to His eternal home. “I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you” (Revelation 3:3). Thus, I need to live every day as if it were the last. Whatever God wants me to do; I will depend on his mighty strength and obey. If His will is for me to studiously discover His hidden treasures in the Bible, I will obey. Whether it is bursting with gratitude towards my Savior and sharing with everyone around me the Gospel, the Story of God’s love, in my actions and words, I will obey. It does not matter if I am uncomfortable, and the world hates and persecutes me. God is my Comforter. He has overcome the world. I will feast on God’s perfect will for me, and an everlasting Joy will consume and satisfy me. This will be a day worthy of a name: The Perfect Last Day.

Know That You Know

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not
is a fool..........shun him
He who knows not and knows that he knows not
is a student........teach him
He who knows and knows not that he knows
is a blind man......lead him
He who knows and knows that he knows
is a wise man.............follow him


My Granddaddy said this to me and I begged him to repeat it over and over until it was ground in my deepest mind. Why do I like it so much? I have yet to discover the answer to that question. For some reason, I begged God to give me wisdom and He answered, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. To stay away from evil is understanding." What is the 'fear of the Lord'? And how do I stay away from evil? I believe that I must seek God's face to run the race of life at my own pace until God picks me up and takes me Home to Heaven to be with Him for eternity. But I must always remember that without God's grace, I've already lost the race. I cannot wait for God to rescue me from the pains of life. Why do I cry so much? I cry because so many people around me are dead and I must share with them God's free gift of eternal life. Why am I so selfish? My Lord, help me to be not so selfish.

Thank you God for being so BEAUTIFUL =) Will there be rain in Heaven Lord? Because I love the wet diamonds that fall from the sky like a giant waterfall. Please God let it rain in Heaven and let the rain be rainbow colored. And please let there be a crystal clear grandpiano made of glass. I want it to be see through it so that I can see the gold and silver threads as they vibrate into musical melodies. Revelation 7:17 (I think...I wish I could remember references :) And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes and He will catch every tear in His Crystal bottle of Life.

Why do people think there will be no tears in Heaven? What if we cry tears of joy, and God tenderly wipes them away. What if I believe crying is beautiful. "Jesus wept" Jesus wept and yet ... He is perfect. (God is perfect, and we are perfectly imperfect - my oldest sister just told me that; I was quite delighted in the phrase :) Yes! Crystals of wet salt that trickle down a face to show emotion are beautiful. God made tears. They are a gift that God gives us to relieve us from exploding with emotion whether happy or sad. Why does God love me? Well, He loves me in-spite of all of my errors. He loves me in-spite of myself. God loves me because it is His Nature to Love. Satan is sick. But God is Healthy and full of Love. God is Love, and Love is God. Thank you for loveing me, my Father and Husband. Why are You so BEAUTIFUL? Why are whys wise?

As you can see, I have alot of questions and I am waiting (hopefully patiently because patience is a virtue :) for God to answer them. Please God, I yearn to hear Your voice and see You face to face. Take me Home...in Your perfect timing that is =) It is so wonderful to be alive. Thank You for life.

Crystal Clear

Dear People who love to read blogs,
I have a secret...it is really cool so I will tell you write away because as the saying goes, "secrets don't make friends, but friends make secrets. Thus, as a friend I must tell you my secret:

Once upon a time, there lived a girl who was blind. She went to go get her drivers' license. The Policewoman said, "Why do you look so scared?" The timid girl answered, "I'm sorry." The Policewoman said, "You don't need to be scared. You either pass or fail. That's all you do. If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Then the Policewoman ordered, "stand over there miss, please, and I will take your picture." The confused girl whispered, "stand where? And why are you going to take my picture? It is not nice to steal." (she did not actually say that, but it would have been funny if she had :) And so the Policewoman took the girl's picture (I thought Police were not supposed to steal!) Afterwards, the girl said with tears welling up in her eyes, "I think I blinked. Could you take another picture from me please?" The Policewoman looked at the girl and did a fake frowny pouty face and said, "please sit down in the chair." The girl looks around the room and points to the only chair in front of the desk with questioning eyes, "This chair?" she asks. The Policewoman answers, "Yes Miss, sit down and look through this." She points at a weird creepy black machine thing with goggles poking out. As the girl slowly sits down she eyes the foreboding contraption of technology and asks, "you want me to look through that?" The Policewoman answers, "Yes, what other thing is there to look through?".......If you have not noticed yet, I will tell you that this pore girl asks really pointless questions. At least they are pointless and not sharp, because if they were sharp they would cut people. And this girl does not want to heart people. Needless to say, common cents fails her. She is too deep to think of shallow things and not shallow enough to not think of deep things...........

Okay, I will finish this secret story in the near future. Write now I need to slo to geep (that means go to sleep in genius language :)

Hope you, the invisible reader, has enjoyed my story thus far. If you do not want to read it, if it hurts your eyes, if it hurts your brain, than just close your eyes and walk away. No need to torture yourself for my sake.

From the girl named Little Debbie Cakes (as one boy called me at The Backwoods Christian Camp I just arrived home from)

P.S. Hear is one of my favorite sayings:
LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO END
IT IS ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN

Lioness in Action

In anticipation of my trip back to Tanzania, I thought I would post a video I took on my first year there (in 2008). This amazing event happened on a safari in the Ngorongoro crater. Enjoy!

"He who has My commandments..."

A few weeks ago, I attended a Bible convention called "Lads to Leaders" in Nashville, Tennessee. It's an organization that helps young people develop skills that will one day assist them in becoming leaders in the church. Things like song leading, speaking, debate, and Bible reading are among the more serious activities, but then there are also activities like art and puppet theatre. Every year there is a theme verse, and all of the activities must relate to that verse in some form or fashion. This year the verse was John 14:21, and I drew a picture that, in my mind, portrayed the idea of that verse. MaMa, this is uploaded just for you. ;)

Some Sweet Day

My Aunt Shirley never met Granddad, but she mailed me this poem with the words, "I don't know if your grandfather walked with the Lord. If he did, perhaps the words of this poem is what he'd want to say to you."

. . . Granddad gathers me into his arms and I wrap my arms around his middle looking up into his sparkling blue eyes. He lovingly looks down at my upturned face and whispers "I love you, Deborah." I smile, "I love you too Granddaddy." He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. My eyelids slide shut . . .

If you could see where I have gone,
The beauty of this place,
And how it feels to know you're home,
To see the Savior's face.
To wake in peace and know no fear,
Just joy beyond compare,
While still on earth you miss me yet,
You wouldn't want me there.

If you could see where I have gone,
Had made the trip with me,
You'd know I didn't go alone,
The Savior came with me.
At my last breath he was by my side,
And reaching down His hand, said,
"Hurry, you are going home
To a grand and glorious land.
Don't worry over those you love,
For I'm not just with you,
And don't you know with you at home,
They'll long to be here too?"

If you could see where I have gone,
And see what I've been shown,
You'd never know another fear
Or ever feel alone.
You'd marvel at the care of God,
His hand on every life,
And realize He really cares
And bears with us each strife.
And that He weeps when one is lost;
His heart is filled with pain,
But, oh, the joy when one comes home,
A child at home again.

If you could see where I have gone,
Could stay awhile with me,
Could share the things that God has made
To grace eternity.
But, no, you couldn't ever leave,
Once heaven's joy you'd known,
You couldn't bear to walk earth's paths
Once heaven was you home.

If you could see where I have gone,
You'd know we'll meet some day,
And though I'm parted from you now,
That I am just away.
So thank you, dear beloved,
For living for the Lord,
For encouraging me to love Him,
To trust Him and His word.
And now that I am home with Him,
Secure in every way,
I'm waiting here at heaven's door
To greet you some sweet day.

Pea-Soup Fog

Lieutenant Lee and Annette

Granddad married Grandma within a month after returning home from the war. Right now they are together in Heaven ... probably dancing with each other as they used to do in our living room.



I still remember sitting at my Grandfather's feet as he reclined in his overstuffed red chair. I'd gaze up into his excited blue eyes as he retold his WWII stories complete with expressive hand gestures and gun noises. He had many experiences during the war that left him with no doubt that God was watching over him. Here are three specific instances - in my Granddad's own words - which give God credit for his protection.

FINDING THE ENEMY

Imagine, if you can, a valley, a long valley totally snow covered. The snow is knee-deep. Everything is just like a great big long dish opening up for about a quarter to a half mile. I had orders from my battalion commander ... he called me back to headquarters ... why he picked me I don't know. Anyway, he said "Lee, I need to know where the Germans are, and I think they're up at the head of this valley somewhere. I want you to take a patrol of men up this valley and find out where the Germans are. " there wasn't a tree, there wasn't a shrub, it was naked. Just a naked valley covered with knee-deep snow. "Yes sir." My colonel speaketh and I doeth.

I got my men together, a dozen men or so. I told them at daylight we'll move out. So we spent a sleepless night. I prayed all night. I said, "Lord, this is a mess. This is suicide. And I don't know, but do something. I don't know what to do. It is suicide to go up that naked valley and get cut to pieces by the Germans." Do you know what He did? Do you have a solution for that if you were the Lord? What would you do to protect me? Do you know what He did?

When I got up the next morning before day to head out, there was a pea-soup fog. We slogged up that naked valley, and we got up close to those woods and I could see Germans everywhere. I could see them digging in here, I could see a machine gun nest yonder, I heard another machine gun nest over hear working the bolt on their gun to load it up. I saw Germans over there. And I plotted their positions on my map. Then I took my men and we eased back out of that valley and back into town and the fog lifted, just like pulling a curtain up. "Thank you, Lord, Thank you, Lord, Thank you, Lord!"

With that information, we worked over those woods real good with artillery, and then attacked the next day up the valley without a shot being fired at us. We took the positions that the Germans had used, and then moved on from there.

THE TANK AT OSWEILER

The Lord was looking out for me, and I spent the rest of the war listening out for that feeling. And I was led ... I really was. There are specific things ... the most remarkable was, I was riding a tank in Osweiler and had Sergeant Nagle with me. He and I were riding when all of a sudden I had a feeling we ought to get off that tank. I ignored it ... there was no reason for me to get off that tank. And then, it was as though the heavens were screaming at me, "GET OFF THAT TANK!" It was something ... it was a voice that I heard physically that could not be denied. and I told the sergeant "Let's go!" We jumped off that tank and into a culvert just as one of our own planes came over and dropped napalm right on the tank. And here we are cowering in this culvert with our tank blown up and everybody that was in and on it burned up right above us. It was split-second timing. We got safe and the tank was blown!

THE LORD KEPT ME ALIVE

There is no question that the good Lord intended me to come back home. I became convinced of that. I remember leading my company somewhere near the Siegfried Line up to a firebreak in the forest. And I didn't hear a voice, but instead a sudden feeling that "You stop ... don't go across there. " And I stopped and told my men to dig in right here. They complained about it bitterly ... "Aw, lieutenant ... Aw, lieutenant. " But , I said go ahead and dig in right here. So they started digging in to keep them out of mischief.

Then, about that time, all hell broke loose in the clearing and the far edge of where we would have been. We were under observation and didn't know it; so they had set that artillery for the firebreak and the woods beyond it. And here we were in the woods in front of it, and they just obliterated the landscape in front of us. My men quit complaining. Then I told them "OK, let's go!" and we went on across without any problem.


Soldiers hoped to be placed under my Grandfather's command because they considered him "lucky". Granddad, throughout his life, was firm in his conviction that there was no luck or coincidence involved. He always stated clearly that the Lord guided and protected him.

I have fought a good fight,
I have finished my course,
I have kept the faith:
Henceforth there is laid up
for me a crown of righteousness,
which the Lord, the righteous judge,
shall give me at that day: and not to
me only, but unto all them also that
love his appearing.

II Timothy 4: 7,8

Stop Doubting and Believe

In His Love

I cried out to God in despair
In His timing He answered my prayer
I truly thought that I was dead
Until God touched my lips and said
"Stop doubting and believe"
Then He lifted me out of the darkness
So I could see
Just how much He's in love with me

My name is engraved on the palm of His hand
His thoughts of me are more the grains of sand
He numbers every hair on my head
He clothes me and keeps me well fed
He knows when I sit and when I rise
His heart is ravished with one glance of my eyes
In His bottle
He catches my tears
Through His perfect Love
He casts out all fears
God is the High King
Ruler of everything
He created the galaxies
And yet He cares about me
He sent His only Son to die
So we could be together for eternity
God is thrilled at the sound of my voice

Oh I must I must rejoice

Springing from a Letter

The other day I was writing a letter to my oldest brother Moriah...the one who taught me how to slice and peal an apple without chopping my fingers off. He also showed me how to solve the Rubix Cube, and turn a back-flip on our trampoline without breaking my neck. He's so smart and athletic.

Right now he is positioned at Fort Benning, Georgia, training to be in the National Guard. He runs obstacle courses, does tons of push-ups, plays with guns, etc. I think he also gets to jump out of airplanes! I would like to skydive... if I could get past the jumping part. He wrote in one of his notes that the food was delicious, but he only gets 1 minute and 30 seconds to eat! I would starve. There is no way I could swallow that fast without choking. And my mouth is small so I couldn't pack enough food in my cheeks either. I'd just 'shrivel up and blow away' as my Granddad used to say to me when I didn't eat enough. They also only give Moriah 3 to 5 hours of precious sleep at night. On top of all his intense and strenuous physical exercise, he was attacked with the dreaded sickness named Mono. Thankfully, God made Moriah tough, and he is winning in his battle against this vicious enemy. He really enjoys the training and wrote, "I have already done eagle tower and the other rope and obstacle course exercises. The training we have been doing most recently is ARM: Advanced Rifle Marksmanship. It's the easiest of the training I think, and the night vision is much clearer than in most video games."

He always reminded me of a military dude. He was a security guard before leaving to Fort Benning. I miss him so much. But they're giving him 30 free hours in April so we're gonna go see him. I can't wait to give my military brother a huge hug (:

So. . .I was writing Moriah a letter about the happenings here and how Spring was in the air. When I reread the part I wrote about Spring a lightbulb lit over my head. "Hey! This sounds like a poem!" I said. My sister Katie and I tweeked it a bit- or a bunch - and then I posted it on the blog. By the way, I don't know why the last line of the poem blew up so large. I tried to shrink it but Mr. Computer refused to oblige. He and I are not on very good terms right now...he is oh so stubborn. I'm trying to forgive him, but it's just so hard...

Anyways, here is the original thing on Spring that came from my letter to Moriah:

Spring is in the air
'Tis my favorite time of year
With baby buds of lime green
Bursting from the trees,
Singing Bluebirds,
Blooming tulips, and
Buzzing bumblebees.

Spring is in the Air

Spring is in the air

I feel it in the breeze
The baby buds of lime green
Are bursting from the trees

Carried on the wind
As the blooming tulips bend
Is the sweet scent of flowers
And the clear drops of Spring showers.

As splashes of color appear
New noises tickle my ear
The song of a bird

And the buzz of a bee

There is so much beauty in the world around me

Memories of Granddad (Part 2, from my journal)

Nov 23rd, 2010: Tuesday. (Thursday is Thanksgiving!!) Granddad is dying. I knew this was coming but it is all happening so fast. I’m crying as if he has already left to be with God in Heaven. My eyes are burning from my hot tears. Yesterday was his last walk on the street. Now he can barely stand and his limbs are withered and blistered. He still talks and smiles and tells me that he wants to get up and go outside. He asked me to pick him up and help him outside and I said, “I’m not strong enough. I can’t carry you Granddad.” And he laughed, truly laughed. How could Granddad laugh and smile when he is so uncomfortable in his dying body? God, thank you for Granddad and giving him Your Joy and Strength as he dies. I miss Granddad so much. I must remember that he is still here. Deborah, he hasn’t left yet. But then I want him to be free of his suffering. Oh, God help me through this. I feel that I am sinking into turmoil and confusion. Shine Your Light through this darkness. I need to hold onto something, but I have no strength. God hold me tight. I need you. …”

Nov. 24^th, 2010: “Wednesday. (Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!) I just talked to Granddad and he kept on saying that he loves me!! He even gave me a kiss and a hug. He is so adorable and sweet. I asked if he wanted some salty cashew nuts and he (with his hands lying on his belly) nodded his head looking like a little eager boy with his eyes wide open in expectation. I’m so thankful that he sometimes has a sudden little appetite for things (mainly ice cream and cookies saying “Now do I ever turn that down?”and he even sometimes pants like a dog eager for his treat…My funny, playful Granddad!). But mainly he has no desire to eat (only drinks some water, orange juice, or milkshake). Speaking of food, Mom was cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow, making a lot of racket in the kitchen and Granddad called her over. He asked “What are you doing?” She said, “I’m cooking.” And he said, “Do you know how to cook legs?” He looked down at his withered, blistering, and nearly useless legs and said, “I don’t know what to do with them. Maybe you could just cut them off.” Although this is a bit graphic, it shows that Granddad comprehends his situation and still lightheartedly makes humor out of it. Also, when I just talked to him he said “I am falling apart. I’m just falling apart.” I didn’t know what to say except “God is with you. He’ll hold you together.” So I said it and Granddad said “Yes. Thank You.” Oh, Granddad, if only we could go back in time and enjoy your company before your body and brain started shutting down from cancer and dementia. I want to walk with you around Cahaba Lake again as you used to do every day, saying with pride “Yep. I walk a mile every day.” And it was true. You are so strong and determined. I miss you pointing out a beaver splash, or the little Didapper duck in the pond/lake, and stopping to gaze at a blue herron/crane that would fly by. You always told me the names of the birds we’d see. You are so smart. When we’d stop at the bench halfway around the lake you’d sing your favorite tune:

“Oh a thousand legged worm, oh he began to squirm, ‘Has anybody seen a leg of mine? If it can’t be found I’ll have to hop around on the other 999!”

Or your limericks: A wonderful bird is the pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can hold in his beak enough food for a week. But I don’t know how in the heck he can. (Granddad always said the other (bad) word, but told me to use this one because I’m a girl.)

Or: There was a young lady from Natchez, whose clothes were all torn and in patches. When asked by her beaus as to the state of her clothes, she replied “When I itches I scratches.”

Or: “Mammies little baby loves shortenin, shortenin, Mammies little baby loves shortenin bread.”

You even whistled too! You are a great whistler and singer. “Rosalie my darling, Rosalie my dear”…(He told us that a long time ago he dressed up like a big lady and sang in a very high voice that song.)

Going back to Cahaba Lake…Granddad, I miss looking over the bridge at the turtles and fish with you and feeling the mist on our faces while we picked out a rainbow in the huge water fountain puffing water to the sky. You always said you would live to 106. But I believe now you would rather leave this world of pain and death and sorrow and be in the unfathomable joy and beauty of God’s Presence in Heaven.

If Granddad lives through Thanksgiving tomorrow, we are going to set up a Christmas tree so that he can have something pretty to look at. They put a hospital bed in the sun room for him to be in while we eat Thanksgiving Dinner. (Oh God, please make these last moments and holiday we have with Granddad not filled with despair and hopelessness and death and fear of death. Death is scary because it is mysterious and unknown, kind of creepy and it is here because of sin. But even if we don’t understand all about it, You do. You are in control You will take care of all ..We just need to give this to You, put Granddad’s death in Your hands. Granddad is not truly dying. He is simply leaving his body and this world of death to life, true life, without adversities and sorrow. He is going to his true home. We shall all be there one day…”

Nov. 25^th,2010: “Thanksgiving Day! Granddad is still with us :) . I hope he will survive the day and see the Christmas tree which we should put up soon. I walked outside on the balcony this morning and sunbeams were shining on the wet dewy grass, making jewels and sparkles of the water droplets. The tree by our balcony buzzed and hummed with bees as they greedily buried themselves in the pink and white flowers searching for pollen. I couldn’t help but smile. The Beauty of Nature! God, thank you for this day! I’m so excited to see what it holds for me and my family. Whatever happens, please make us strong and help us recover closer to each other and to You because of it. Happy Thanksgiving my Father!...”

Nov. 25^th-8:00pm “We just got back from watching the Princess movie “Tangled” about Repunzel. Dad took Mom, Katie and I! We loved it! Even Dad said (after he said he had a nice nap!...how could he!) that it was pretty good! He even laughed some and people clapped at the end. Mom said that for a few minutes she could be free and not think about taking care of Granddad. It was a nice, refreshing, and fun outing. Thanks Dad, for paying $41 for us girls to watch a 3D Princess movie! You are a sweetheart…

Granddad survived the day! Dad said its cool that he is now bringing the family together. Its true because normally our cousins and Uncles and Aunts would not have visited so often or stayed so long today if it weren’t for Granddad nearing death. (God, I did pray that this would bring us closer to You and each other and You have already answered it…so soon and even before I asked You were at work bringing us together. Thanks my Father and Lord :) We put up a Christmas tree (Uncle Ken and Aunt Judy and I went to the storage room to find ornaments.) I hope Granddad will have PEACE and stop being anxious (although I don’t blame him b/c I’m sure if I was dying I would be going CRAZY! Running around (if not literally, at least in my mind) trying to do, I don’t know what, before I left the Earth.) God, give him so much Peace that he will just feel Your Presence and relax and smile. He’s going to be with You and all his loved ones in Heaven! He will meet Bible characters and tons of other cool people! I’m so happy for you Granddad, but I will miss you as you used to be before you began to go downhill. Yet you truly have stood like a soldier. When you get something in your mind you don’t give it up no matter how hard the struggle is. I Love You, my Hero (Mr. Lieutenant Lee B. Lloyd the most wonderful Father, Husband, Granddaddy and loving friend).

Granddad has changed drastically in his mind and body. Dad said that it is like there is a void where his Daddy used to fill. Granddad has moved from an independent man who can make decisions to almost a baby who must be cared for constantly. He (Granddad) has lost his dignity. I feel sorry for him. It is heart-wrenching and it hits me hard, thinking of how mortality latches onto us. We can try to run, but old age and death always catches up. At least one day, after death overtakes us, we will be free of it forever! I can’t imagine how long forever is. Unfathomable, eternity is a wonderful word. Anyways, this has been one of the best Thanksgivings. (Mom, Dad and I walked around Cahaba Lake to escape for awhile…what a beautiful pink and blue sunset!) Thank You for this Day. Continue, God, to Work Your perfect plan in each and every second of our lives.

9:00pm – We think Granddad had a stroke. He is twitching, his left hand is curled up, and he seems to be dreaming and twitching and trying to move in his dream. We hold his hands and Katie and I rubbed his head. He just stood up, he won’t relax, and now we are trying to help him sit back down and rest. He said confusing stuff but one thing…he said this with deep emotion and urgency, was “Promise us…Promise not to drink whiskey.” And then lifting his hand he said “Freedom Wages.” Only God knows what that means or if it had a reason at all. God, please just let Granddad know without a doubt that you’ve got him safely in Your arms. That You love him and will carry him safely to Yourself. Don’t let him struggle. But let him sense with his whole being Your presence, Your love, Your peace. He needs You. We all need You. Come and fill this house and our hearts….”

“In the midst of his anxiousness, Granddad looked over at me with his eyes opened wide and I smiled (hopefully a sweet smile) trying to show him I loved him and everything was alright because he is in God’s hands. I looked deep into his eyes and his face softened. He smiled back a brief but loving smile. Granddad, you smiled in the midst of all of your uncomfortableness and suffering. What strength and bravery you have. (God, hold him tight and draw him closer and closer to Yourself.) Good night Granddad, I pray that you rest in Peace and have the sweetest dreams this Thanksgiving night. Comfort.”

Nov. 26^th, 2010 (Friday) – “Granddad is wound up tight. He fights and struggles against the people trying to help him. He refuses to sit down in his chair for a long period of time and relax. Last night Dad had only 1 hour of sleep b/c he was continually hearing Granddad holler and grunt and had to repeatedly help Granddad out of and into his chair. Granddad is not at ease. He is all wired. Maybe he feels death taking a hold of him and his soldier instincts from WWII are kicking in. He is a fighter and won’t give in. Not that I want him to give in to death but I just want him to do what’s best for him and that is not refusing to take medicine and put on his robe or falling on the floor b/c he tries to get out of his chair over and over again. I want him to be at peace. To just sit and realize that this is just another trial (hopefully the last) in his life and that no matter how horrible it is, God is right beside him. Granddad, you are not alone. You don’t have to fight this alone. God has conquered death and experienced it. God knows what it’s like. He’ll guide you through safely. Just trust. God loves you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Father, please reassure Granddad of Your Presence. Touch his trembling heart and let your warmth and Peace wash over him…”

“Everyone is exhausted (especially Dad, Mom, Uncle Tommy (he is helping with Granddad) and Granddad for he has not had a restful, refreshing deep sleep for who knows how long: Granddad has not truly slept in about 48 hours, constantly in turmoil and uncomfortable. We all need your supernatural strength, Lord. Please give us peace and rest. Wow! Sleep truly is a blessing! How wonderful it is and how necessary. We need your comfort. We need to lean on You. Will You hold us up?”

7:00pm Friday night, 11-26-10: “An ambulance just came with its flashing red lights shining beams through the windows of our house and lighting up our faces. It left with Granddad, escorting him to the hospital with sirens hollering. Dad said, “After all of this taking care of him at home, Dad still had to go to the hospital.” Dad is finally going to try to sleep now that Granddad has been taken off of his shoulders and is in other’s hands.

It’s almost like we failed to keep him home and at peace where he wanted to be. He always said that he wanted to go peacefully and in his sleep. But, Granddad’s agitation was too great. His body was stock-full with medicine that was doing the opposite of relaxing him. Granddad is very unhappy and in turmoil right now. He was taken to the hospital so that they can sedate him and try to relieve him of his anxiety. I saw him lying in the rolling bed being pulled out the door. He looked distressed. I wonder if he shall ever come back to this house that he has lived in for so many years. Oh, Granddad, I wish you could just go peacefully and find Home, your true Home with Jesus. There is still hope for peace yet. I pray you will relax at the hospital for you were uncontrollably anxious here. Granddad barely ever closed his eyes last night. He was constantly trying to move and go somewhere…not relaxed or content. Today his slurred speech was heard every few minutes (or seconds). He kept on saying things, (in a loud voice sometimes or very softly) but most was not understandable. Except when Uncle Jay came and Granddad surfaced from his illusions for a moment and said, “Hey Boy! How are you?”

(God, please put Granddad at ease.) Oh, Granddad, I feel as if you have been wrenched from me. Your cancer, dementia, possible stroke, morphine (pain reliever…addictive drug), and other medications have transformed you into someone else. It thrills me when your true self surfaces at times. (Clearly by God’s Grace). But now this complete physical separation as you are taken to the hospital away from me. (I can’t even look at you or give you a hug and smile and tell you “I love you” anymore. You are miles away being sedated.) I miss you my Granddady. Please don’t wrestle and fight things anymore. Just fly to Jesus. He will comfort you. He is your refuge. He won’t let death harm you. Death will only relieve you of harmful life on this earth. Once you pass the valley of the shadow of death you will be in Paradise forever! Never have to suffer again. Only if we could all go together hand in hand, my whole family, never have to miss a loved one because we were never separated. But losing someone can also strengthen our relationship with God if we turn to Him for comfort. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Rom 8:29)”…..”I will call her ‘My loved one’. The one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.”

Saturday, Nov 27^th, 2010: Morning…the most beautiful day ever. It is rather chilly, but the sun brightens even the coldest day. Clear blue skies, Golden sun rays making sparkling dew and shining leaves, and glistening water droplets on the flowers of the camellia tree beside our balcony. I soaked in some morning sun and inhaled the fresh morning air. Now I’m ready for today. God help me to finish all of the things I need to get done…especially school. Make me fast. Thanks for another Day. Continue to comfort Granddad and all of us as we deal with death and mortality.

Monday, Nov 29^th, 2010: Granddad is Home. He is free forever of this world of sin and pain and death. He is with his Savior and his true love Mrs. Annette Lloyd. Mom told us of the moment when his soul left his body. Uncle David, Uncle Tommy and Uncle Jay (3 of the 5 children, not Dad or Aunt Judy) gathered around Granddad’s bed at the hospital to pray. Uncle Jay was the last one to lift Granddad up in prayer and he asked God to allow Granddad to be released from his body that wasn’t serving him anymore and make the transition easy for him. That Granddad would go peacefully from his body and into Heaven. After Uncle Jay finished praying, Granddad breathed in a deep sigh and exhaled his last breath. Three tears trickled from his eyes and he was gone, free of his dead body. Granddad had been in the hospital since Friday (4 days) and the morphine (given to him through shots) had helped him to calm down and stop flailing his limbs around…gave him drugged sleep. He could not swallow, or talk, or see anymore. Basically completely unresponsive. But I hope that he heard the prayer. God answered Uncle Jay’s prayer so fast. Granddad knew that he had fought death as long as he could and now God was calling him to Himself. So he relaxed and sighed his last breath. “Oh, Granddad I pray that those were tears of joy on your cheeks.” I don’t know what to do! I feel so torn. One side of me is rejoicing that Granddad is free of misery and being united with God and his Annette. I’m even a little jealous that he is experiencing Heaven. I want to be free too! But I’m also overwhelmed with a sense of loss and emptiness. I can never walk with Granddad again with Kitty, our golden retriever, frolicking and sniffing and circling us, so excited to “go walk walk!” I can never feel his arms around me and his kiss on my forehead while he whispers, “Missy Pretty”…”I love you”…”I’m so blessed to have you in my house, Miss Sweety Pie.” I want to give him a hug and kiss so badly. I can never tell him “Good Morning, I love you Granddad.” And see his blue eyes light up with a smile. I’ll miss his white hair flapping in the wind (he would grow it long and part it over his bald spot but when the wind blew a long lock of hair would blow out from his head…it made me giggle inside) Me and him shared somethin’ special. He was so proud of his new shoes, crocks, and when I wore mine he was thrilled that we were both wearing the same shoes. When we’d go for a walk he’d always offer to give me one of his canes and we’d pick out which one was best. (I think I only used a cane once…just to make him happy) He was so generous and wanted to help or share things…not selfish.

I still can’t really believe he is gone. I can’t get used to the fact. It’s just too different. Mom said she can hardly look at the house knowing Granddad is not in it. It feels so empty. She was fixing a grocery list today and thinking of what food Granddad would like and a good supper to fix him, But then remembered that he was no longer here to provide for. I feel she will take it the hardest because Granddad has been in her constant thoughts for so long. When he left to the hospital, she couldn’t sleep well b/c every little noise she thought was Granddad moving around or tapping his cane on the floor. (God, Mom feels so empty without Granddad here. Please fill her with Your peace and joy. Help her to deal with this drastic change in her life. She has cared for Granddad for nearly two years as we’ve lived with him. This is so different to have him gone and no longer need caring. Help her Lord. Comfort her and Daddy as well. I can’t imagine losing my Dad. Be with all of us, pull us closer to Yourself. We need Your comfort. Help us deal with the loss of our dear Granddaddy and Dad) My eyes keep on fogging up with tears but no drop has trickled down my cheek. I ache inside and want to scream or run far away. But I can’t escape. Why this turmoil? Granddad is finally Home…but death is so hard…”

“Granddad was and is still so dear to me. I still remember how he would always tell me, “You are going to be a heartbreaker when you grow up.” I guess that he meant that a lot of boys would like me and I’d have to break their hearts because I couldn’t like all of them back…or something like that. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart or cause anyone pain, but I must wait for my true and perfect-fit husband that was made for me. Hopefully, no boys will come calling or chasing after me or fall in love with me because I don’t know if I’d have the strength and guts to turn them down. I pray that my future husband (if I’m to get married) will stand out. That in God’s perfect timing I would know without a doubt that he is the one that I will spend the rest of my life with: my true love. Anyways, I thought that Granddad was very kind to say that. He said it a bunch and when he did, it always gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside to think that Granddad believed that boys would want me to be their sweetheart.

All of my family members that have facebooks wrote this today: “In memory of Lee B. Lloyd, WWII veteran, my hero, grandfather and friend. Love you and miss you: January 21, 1921---November 29^th, 2010”. He lived for 89 years (almost 90). I miss you my sweet and brave Granddaddy.

Friday, December 3^rd, 2010: “Funeral for our Granddaddy who served everyone and loved God and others with all his heart. Bailey and her Mom and Dad came! (Even though her mom had the flue she still came!) They are so sweet. Bailey…I don’t know if I could live without her friendship. She means so much to me and at school we are always together and when I can’t find her or she isn’t there I just don’t know what to do! (God, thank You for Bailey and her family. They are so wonderful!) They had soldiers at the graveside. They shot guns and saluted Granddad. The huge procession of cars at the funeral reminded me of how much a legacy Granddad left. He touched so many lives! Police escorted the long line of cars to the grave out of respect for Granddad. Dad sang “I must tell Jesus” and “Abide with Me” with his guitar (my eyes watered constantly, nose dripped too)…such a mixture of joy and sorrow…I was so torn…but it was truly beautiful. Uncle David talked about hunting and fishing experiences with Granddad and about how Granddad was truly filled with the fruits of the Spirit: (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness…) He also summed up Granddad’s character in a story about how Uncle Jay and Granddad were caught in an unexpected storm while hunting and they couldn’t find shelter so Granddad told Uncle Jay to come here, and wrapped his arms around him sheltering him from the storm. When it was over Uncle Jay wasn’t even wet. Granddad really did protect us and always tried to keep us from harm (I’d walk to our church alone and he always said “I don’t want you to do that…it’s too dangerous. You shouldn’t go alone…too many boogers out there.” Uncle David also whistled and that reminded us of how Granddad always whistled. I loved his whistling. At the end of his speech, he said “I miss you Dad. Goodbye for a little while.” I sobbed. (Goodbye Granddad, it hurts me when I won’t see you every day, never see you alive again on this earth. But it is not a Good Bye forever…I’ll see you in a little while once God gathers me to Himself and takes me to my true home in Heaven. I know you are sooooo happy right now! I miss you though. You are truly Home! See you soon. I love you, my Granddaddy!