Nov 23rd, 2010: Tuesday. (Thursday is Thanksgiving!!) Granddad is dying. I knew this was coming but it is all happening so fast. I’m crying as if he has already left to be with God in Heaven. My eyes are burning from my hot tears. Yesterday was his last walk on the street. Now he can barely stand and his limbs are withered and blistered. He still talks and smiles and tells me that he wants to get up and go outside. He asked me to pick him up and help him outside and I said, “I’m not strong enough. I can’t carry you Granddad.” And he laughed, truly laughed. How could Granddad laugh and smile when he is so uncomfortable in his dying body? God, thank you for Granddad and giving him Your Joy and Strength as he dies. I miss Granddad so much. I must remember that he is still here. Deborah, he hasn’t left yet. But then I want him to be free of his suffering. Oh, God help me through this. I feel that I am sinking into turmoil and confusion. Shine Your Light through this darkness. I need to hold onto something, but I have no strength. God hold me tight. I need you. …”
Nov. 24th, 2010: “Wednesday. (Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!) I just talked to Granddad and he kept on saying that he loves me!! He even gave me a kiss and a hug. He is so adorable and sweet. I asked if he wanted some salty cashew nuts and he (with his hands lying on his belly) nodded his head looking like a little eager boy with his eyes wide open in expectation. I’m so thankful that he sometimes has a sudden little appetite for things (mainly ice cream and cookies saying “Now do I ever turn that down?”and he even sometimes pants like a dog eager for his treat…My funny, playful Granddad!). But mainly he has no desire to eat (only drinks some water, orange juice, or milkshake). Speaking of food, Mom was cooking for Thanksgiving tomorrow, making a lot of racket in the kitchen and Granddad called her over. He asked “What are you doing?” She said, “I’m cooking.” And he said, “Do you know how to cook legs?” He looked down at his withered, blistering, and nearly useless legs and said, “I don’t know what to do with them. Maybe you could just cut them off.” Although this is a bit graphic, it shows that Granddad comprehends his situation and still lightheartedly makes humor out of it. Also, when I just talked to him he said “I am falling apart. I’m just falling apart.” I didn’t know what to say except “God is with you. He’ll hold you together.” So I said it and Granddad said “Yes. Thank You.” Oh, Granddad, if only we could go back in time and enjoy your company before your body and brain started shutting down from cancer and dementia. I want to walk with you around Cahaba Lake again as you used to do every day, saying with pride “Yep. I walk a mile every day.” And it was true. You are so strong and determined. I miss you pointing out a beaver splash, or the little Didapper duck in the pond/lake, and stopping to gaze at a blue herron/crane that would fly by. You always told me the names of the birds we’d see. You are so smart. When we’d stop at the bench halfway around the lake you’d sing your favorite tune:
“Oh a thousand legged worm, oh he began to squirm, ‘Has anybody seen a leg of mine? If it can’t be found I’ll have to hop around on the other 999!”
Or your limericks: A wonderful bird is the pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can hold in his beak enough food for a week. But I don’t know how in the heck he can. (Granddad always said the other (bad) word, but told me to use this one because I’m a girl.)
Or: There was a young lady from Natchez, whose clothes were all torn and in patches. When asked by her beaus as to the state of her clothes, she replied “When I itches I scratches.”
Or: “Mammies little baby loves shortenin, shortenin, Mammies little baby loves shortenin bread.”
You even whistled too! You are a great whistler and singer. “Rosalie my darling, Rosalie my dear”…(He told us that a long time ago he dressed up like a big lady and sang in a very high voice that song.)
Going back to Cahaba Lake…Granddad, I miss looking over the bridge at the turtles and fish with you and feeling the mist on our faces while we picked out a rainbow in the huge water fountain puffing water to the sky. You always said you would live to 106. But I believe now you would rather leave this world of pain and death and sorrow and be in the unfathomable joy and beauty of God’s Presence in Heaven.
If Granddad lives through Thanksgiving tomorrow, we are going to set up a Christmas tree so that he can have something pretty to look at. They put a hospital bed in the sun room for him to be in while we eat Thanksgiving Dinner. (Oh God, please make these last moments and holiday we have with Granddad not filled with despair and hopelessness and death and fear of death. Death is scary because it is mysterious and unknown, kind of creepy and it is here because of sin. But even if we don’t understand all about it, You do. You are in control You will take care of all ..We just need to give this to You, put Granddad’s death in Your hands. Granddad is not truly dying. He is simply leaving his body and this world of death to life, true life, without adversities and sorrow. He is going to his true home. We shall all be there one day…”
Nov. 25th,2010: “Thanksgiving Day! Granddad is still with us :) . I hope he will survive the day and see the Christmas tree which we should put up soon. I walked outside on the balcony this morning and sunbeams were shining on the wet dewy grass, making jewels and sparkles of the water droplets. The tree by our balcony buzzed and hummed with bees as they greedily buried themselves in the pink and white flowers searching for pollen. I couldn’t help but smile. The Beauty of Nature! God, thank you for this day! I’m so excited to see what it holds for me and my family. Whatever happens, please make us strong and help us recover closer to each other and to You because of it. Happy Thanksgiving my Father!...”
Nov. 25th-8:00pm “We just got back from watching the Princess movie “Tangled” about Repunzel. Dad took Mom, Katie and I! We loved it! Even Dad said (after he said he had a nice nap!...how could he!) that it was pretty good! He even laughed some and people clapped at the end. Mom said that for a few minutes she could be free and not think about taking care of Granddad. It was a nice, refreshing, and fun outing. Thanks Dad, for paying $41 for us girls to watch a 3D Princess movie! You are a sweetheart…
Granddad survived the day! Dad said its cool that he is now bringing the family together. Its true because normally our cousins and Uncles and Aunts would not have visited so often or stayed so long today if it weren’t for Granddad nearing death. (God, I did pray that this would bring us closer to You and each other and You have already answered it…so soon and even before I asked You were at work bringing us together. Thanks my Father and Lord :) We put up a Christmas tree (Uncle Ken and Aunt Judy and I went to the storage room to find ornaments.) I hope Granddad will have PEACE and stop being anxious (although I don’t blame him b/c I’m sure if I was dying I would be going CRAZY! Running around (if not literally, at least in my mind) trying to do, I don’t know what, before I left the Earth.) God, give him so much Peace that he will just feel Your Presence and relax and smile. He’s going to be with You and all his loved ones in Heaven! He will meet Bible characters and tons of other cool people! I’m so happy for you Granddad, but I will miss you as you used to be before you began to go downhill. Yet you truly have stood like a soldier. When you get something in your mind you don’t give it up no matter how hard the struggle is. I Love You, my Hero (Mr. Lieutenant Lee B. Lloyd the most wonderful Father, Husband, Granddaddy and loving friend).
Granddad has changed drastically in his mind and body. Dad said that it is like there is a void where his Daddy used to fill. Granddad has moved from an independent man who can make decisions to almost a baby who must be cared for constantly. He (Granddad) has lost his dignity. I feel sorry for him. It is heart-wrenching and it hits me hard, thinking of how mortality latches onto us. We can try to run, but old age and death always catches up. At least one day, after death overtakes us, we will be free of it forever! I can’t imagine how long forever is. Unfathomable, eternity is a wonderful word. Anyways, this has been one of the best Thanksgivings. (Mom, Dad and I walked around Cahaba Lake to escape for awhile…what a beautiful pink and blue sunset!) Thank You for this Day. Continue, God, to Work Your perfect plan in each and every second of our lives.
9:00pm – We think Granddad had a stroke. He is twitching, his left hand is curled up, and he seems to be dreaming and twitching and trying to move in his dream. We hold his hands and Katie and I rubbed his head. He just stood up, he won’t relax, and now we are trying to help him sit back down and rest. He said confusing stuff but one thing…he said this with deep emotion and urgency, was “Promise us…Promise not to drink whiskey.” And then lifting his hand he said “Freedom Wages.” Only God knows what that means or if it had a reason at all. God, please just let Granddad know without a doubt that you’ve got him safely in Your arms. That You love him and will carry him safely to Yourself. Don’t let him struggle. But let him sense with his whole being Your presence, Your love, Your peace. He needs You. We all need You. Come and fill this house and our hearts….”
“In the midst of his anxiousness, Granddad looked over at me with his eyes opened wide and I smiled (hopefully a sweet smile) trying to show him I loved him and everything was alright because he is in God’s hands. I looked deep into his eyes and his face softened. He smiled back a brief but loving smile. Granddad, you smiled in the midst of all of your uncomfortableness and suffering. What strength and bravery you have. (God, hold him tight and draw him closer and closer to Yourself.) Good night Granddad, I pray that you rest in Peace and have the sweetest dreams this Thanksgiving night. Comfort.”
Nov. 26th, 2010 (Friday) – “Granddad is wound up tight. He fights and struggles against the people trying to help him. He refuses to sit down in his chair for a long period of time and relax. Last night Dad had only 1 hour of sleep b/c he was continually hearing Granddad holler and grunt and had to repeatedly help Granddad out of and into his chair. Granddad is not at ease. He is all wired. Maybe he feels death taking a hold of him and his soldier instincts from WWII are kicking in. He is a fighter and won’t give in. Not that I want him to give in to death but I just want him to do what’s best for him and that is not refusing to take medicine and put on his robe or falling on the floor b/c he tries to get out of his chair over and over again. I want him to be at peace. To just sit and realize that this is just another trial (hopefully the last) in his life and that no matter how horrible it is, God is right beside him. Granddad, you are not alone. You don’t have to fight this alone. God has conquered death and experienced it. God knows what it’s like. He’ll guide you through safely. Just trust. God loves you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Father, please reassure Granddad of Your Presence. Touch his trembling heart and let your warmth and Peace wash over him…”
“Everyone is exhausted (especially Dad, Mom, Uncle Tommy (he is helping with Granddad) and Granddad for he has not had a restful, refreshing deep sleep for who knows how long: Granddad has not truly slept in about 48 hours, constantly in turmoil and uncomfortable. We all need your supernatural strength, Lord. Please give us peace and rest. Wow! Sleep truly is a blessing! How wonderful it is and how necessary. We need your comfort. We need to lean on You. Will You hold us up?”
7:00pm Friday night, 11-26-10: “An ambulance just came with its flashing red lights shining beams through the windows of our house and lighting up our faces. It left with Granddad, escorting him to the hospital with sirens hollering. Dad said, “After all of this taking care of him at home, Dad still had to go to the hospital.” Dad is finally going to try to sleep now that Granddad has been taken off of his shoulders and is in other’s hands.
It’s almost like we failed to keep him home and at peace where he wanted to be. He always said that he wanted to go peacefully and in his sleep. But, Granddad’s agitation was too great. His body was stock-full with medicine that was doing the opposite of relaxing him. Granddad is very unhappy and in turmoil right now. He was taken to the hospital so that they can sedate him and try to relieve him of his anxiety. I saw him lying in the rolling bed being pulled out the door. He looked distressed. I wonder if he shall ever come back to this house that he has lived in for so many years. Oh, Granddad, I wish you could just go peacefully and find Home, your true Home with Jesus. There is still hope for peace yet. I pray you will relax at the hospital for you were uncontrollably anxious here. Granddad barely ever closed his eyes last night. He was constantly trying to move and go somewhere…not relaxed or content. Today his slurred speech was heard every few minutes (or seconds). He kept on saying things, (in a loud voice sometimes or very softly) but most was not understandable. Except when Uncle Jay came and Granddad surfaced from his illusions for a moment and said, “Hey Boy! How are you?”
(God, please put Granddad at ease.) Oh, Granddad, I feel as if you have been wrenched from me. Your cancer, dementia, possible stroke, morphine (pain reliever…addictive drug), and other medications have transformed you into someone else. It thrills me when your true self surfaces at times. (Clearly by God’s Grace). But now this complete physical separation as you are taken to the hospital away from me. (I can’t even look at you or give you a hug and smile and tell you “I love you” anymore. You are miles away being sedated.) I miss you my Granddady. Please don’t wrestle and fight things anymore. Just fly to Jesus. He will comfort you. He is your refuge. He won’t let death harm you. Death will only relieve you of harmful life on this earth. Once you pass the valley of the shadow of death you will be in Paradise forever! Never have to suffer again. Only if we could all go together hand in hand, my whole family, never have to miss a loved one because we were never separated. But losing someone can also strengthen our relationship with God if we turn to Him for comfort. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Rom 8:29)”…..”I will call her ‘My loved one’. The one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.”
Saturday, Nov 27th, 2010: Morning…the most beautiful day ever. It is rather chilly, but the sun brightens even the coldest day. Clear blue skies, Golden sun rays making sparkling dew and shining leaves, and glistening water droplets on the flowers of the camellia tree beside our balcony. I soaked in some morning sun and inhaled the fresh morning air. Now I’m ready for today. God help me to finish all of the things I need to get done…especially school. Make me fast. Thanks for another Day. Continue to comfort Granddad and all of us as we deal with death and mortality.
Monday, Nov 29th, 2010: Granddad is Home. He is free forever of this world of sin and pain and death. He is with his Savior and his true love Mrs. Annette Lloyd. Mom told us of the moment when his soul left his body. Uncle David, Uncle Tommy and Uncle Jay (3 of the 5 children, not Dad or Aunt Judy) gathered around Granddad’s bed at the hospital to pray. Uncle Jay was the last one to lift Granddad up in prayer and he asked God to allow Granddad to be released from his body that wasn’t serving him anymore and make the transition easy for him. That Granddad would go peacefully from his body and into Heaven. After Uncle Jay finished praying, Granddad breathed in a deep sigh and exhaled his last breath. Three tears trickled from his eyes and he was gone, free of his dead body. Granddad had been in the hospital since Friday (4 days) and the morphine (given to him through shots) had helped him to calm down and stop flailing his limbs around…gave him drugged sleep. He could not swallow, or talk, or see anymore. Basically completely unresponsive. But I hope that he heard the prayer. God answered Uncle Jay’s prayer so fast. Granddad knew that he had fought death as long as he could and now God was calling him to Himself. So he relaxed and sighed his last breath. “Oh, Granddad I pray that those were tears of joy on your cheeks.” I don’t know what to do! I feel so torn. One side of me is rejoicing that Granddad is free of misery and being united with God and his Annette. I’m even a little jealous that he is experiencing Heaven. I want to be free too! But I’m also overwhelmed with a sense of loss and emptiness. I can never walk with Granddad again with Kitty, our golden retriever, frolicking and sniffing and circling us, so excited to “go walk walk!” I can never feel his arms around me and his kiss on my forehead while he whispers, “Missy Pretty”…”I love you”…”I’m so blessed to have you in my house, Miss Sweety Pie.” I want to give him a hug and kiss so badly. I can never tell him “Good Morning, I love you Granddad.” And see his blue eyes light up with a smile. I’ll miss his white hair flapping in the wind (he would grow it long and part it over his bald spot but when the wind blew a long lock of hair would blow out from his head…it made me giggle inside) Me and him shared somethin’ special. He was so proud of his new shoes, crocks, and when I wore mine he was thrilled that we were both wearing the same shoes. When we’d go for a walk he’d always offer to give me one of his canes and we’d pick out which one was best. (I think I only used a cane once…just to make him happy) He was so generous and wanted to help or share things…not selfish.
I still can’t really believe he is gone. I can’t get used to the fact. It’s just too different. Mom said she can hardly look at the house knowing Granddad is not in it. It feels so empty. She was fixing a grocery list today and thinking of what food Granddad would like and a good supper to fix him, But then remembered that he was no longer here to provide for. I feel she will take it the hardest because Granddad has been in her constant thoughts for so long. When he left to the hospital, she couldn’t sleep well b/c every little noise she thought was Granddad moving around or tapping his cane on the floor. (God, Mom feels so empty without Granddad here. Please fill her with Your peace and joy. Help her to deal with this drastic change in her life. She has cared for Granddad for nearly two years as we’ve lived with him. This is so different to have him gone and no longer need caring. Help her Lord. Comfort her and Daddy as well. I can’t imagine losing my Dad. Be with all of us, pull us closer to Yourself. We need Your comfort. Help us deal with the loss of our dear Granddaddy and Dad) My eyes keep on fogging up with tears but no drop has trickled down my cheek. I ache inside and want to scream or run far away. But I can’t escape. Why this turmoil? Granddad is finally Home…but death is so hard…”
“Granddad was and is still so dear to me. I still remember how he would always tell me, “You are going to be a heartbreaker when you grow up.” I guess that he meant that a lot of boys would like me and I’d have to break their hearts because I couldn’t like all of them back…or something like that. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart or cause anyone pain, but I must wait for my true and perfect-fit husband that was made for me. Hopefully, no boys will come calling or chasing after me or fall in love with me because I don’t know if I’d have the strength and guts to turn them down. I pray that my future husband (if I’m to get married) will stand out. That in God’s perfect timing I would know without a doubt that he is the one that I will spend the rest of my life with: my true love. Anyways, I thought that Granddad was very kind to say that. He said it a bunch and when he did, it always gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside to think that Granddad believed that boys would want me to be their sweetheart.
All of my family members that have facebooks wrote this today: “In memory of Lee B. Lloyd, WWII veteran, my hero, grandfather and friend. Love you and miss you: January 21, 1921---November 29th, 2010”. He lived for 89 years (almost 90). I miss you my sweet and brave Granddaddy.
Friday, December 3rd, 2010: “Funeral for our Granddaddy who served everyone and loved God and others with all his heart. Bailey and her Mom and Dad came! (Even though her mom had the flue she still came!) They are so sweet. Bailey…I don’t know if I could live without her friendship. She means so much to me and at school we are always together and when I can’t find her or she isn’t there I just don’t know what to do! (God, thank You for Bailey and her family. They are so wonderful!) They had soldiers at the graveside. They shot guns and saluted Granddad. The huge procession of cars at the funeral reminded me of how much a legacy Granddad left. He touched so many lives! Police escorted the long line of cars to the grave out of respect for Granddad. Dad sang “I must tell Jesus” and “Abide with Me” with his guitar (my eyes watered constantly, nose dripped too)…such a mixture of joy and sorrow…I was so torn…but it was truly beautiful. Uncle David talked about hunting and fishing experiences with Granddad and about how Granddad was truly filled with the fruits of the Spirit: (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness…) He also summed up Granddad’s character in a story about how Uncle Jay and Granddad were caught in an unexpected storm while hunting and they couldn’t find shelter so Granddad told Uncle Jay to come here, and wrapped his arms around him sheltering him from the storm. When it was over Uncle Jay wasn’t even wet. Granddad really did protect us and always tried to keep us from harm (I’d walk to our church alone and he always said “I don’t want you to do that…it’s too dangerous. You shouldn’t go alone…too many boogers out there.” Uncle David also whistled and that reminded us of how Granddad always whistled. I loved his whistling. At the end of his speech, he said “I miss you Dad. Goodbye for a little while.” I sobbed. (Goodbye Granddad, it hurts me when I won’t see you every day, never see you alive again on this earth. But it is not a Good Bye forever…I’ll see you in a little while once God gathers me to Himself and takes me to my true home in Heaven. I know you are sooooo happy right now! I miss you though. You are truly Home! See you soon. I love you, my Granddaddy!
