Black Silk

Whispers weave threw her hair
Enticing her to come draw near
She can feel it
The crystal orb glowing silver
Burning through her
In dips her slender hand
It licks her fingers soft
Her skin is melting
She longs for more
She lies down
Her hair of black silk splashes on the cold damp ground
It reflects in eyes of black glass
It sings to her
She reaches out her fingers white
She glides toward it her skin melting
Yet still she moves
Her heart speeds then
She smiles
Both hands reach and grasp
Emptiness
Tears stream down melting hear face
She is sinking
A body pierced lifts her out and takes her place

I am jealous for you.

Journal Entry
Tuesday, August 7, 3:00 am

         My Lord, I can't fight it on my own.
    
         It may "feel" better then what I give you. But I love you more and love is so much deeper and love never fails. I will last forever. I am Eternal. This is a fleeting moment, black silk slipping through your fingers. I am living. In Me you live, breath, move, and have you being. This will lead to death. But follow Me and you will have life. Ask Me. Seek Me. I will show you great and unsearchable things you do not know. Take my hand and I will lead you in the way everlasting. 
        
       Come, Deborah. Return to Me. You are mine. I chose you before the foundations of the earth to be holy. Nothing can separate you from My love. Nothing can take you out of My hand. I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by Me. For how long will you not believe. Oh ye of little faith. I alone will satisfy you. I alone am big enough to fill you. Nothing of this world can sustain you. I am the Lord you God.
       
       You are My bride. I am jealous for you.

Psalm 90 

"Satisfy me in the morning with Your unfailing love."

 

WE GRADUATED!

                                        

 

Mungu ni mwema kila siku.

I intended to update this blog while I was in Tanzania, but unfortunately the internet connection there was a tad lacking, so I was forced to wait until I arrived home.

The trip this year was absolutely incredible, and I know I'll never forget it. It was my fourth trip there, but somehow it affected me differently than the past trips. It hit me harder, closer to the heart, and pulled me nearer to my Lord, for which I am very thankful.

We began the trip with a visit to an orphanage, something we've never done before. The kids there arrive as infants and only stay until they're three years old. At that point, they either go to another orphanage, are given to a family member, or are adopted. The kids are absolutely precious. As soon as we arrived, a little girl walked up to me and tugged on my shirt. When I looked down, she held up her tiny arms, wanting me to pick her up. I picked her up, she told me her name was Nina, and she wouldn't let me put her down until our group left (then she screamed). Most of the children wanted to be held, but some of them were scared of us "wazungu (white people in Swahili)" and screamed when we got anywhere near them. After watching us for a little while and realizing that we only wanted to play with them, they let us approach and even hold them.

After the orphanage, we had our "fun day." Our fun day is usually a glorious safari through the Ngorongoro crater, but this year we decided to do something a tad different. We took a tour of a snake park! It was called a "snake park," but it contained many other creatures in addition to the snakes. We saw crocodiles, owls, camels, snakes, and even mice (but they were just being fed to the snakes..)! They allowed us to hold the crocodiles and snakes, which excited some of us and scared the rest.

I have run out of time for the day, but I will return to tell the rest of my adventures in Tanzania sometime soon (hopefully!). Just imagine giant, humpy beasts, walking miles upon miles in the dirt, and sharing God's Word with many people, and you are grasping the tail end of what the trip held in store for us.

The Perfect Last Day

In the far past - well I guess it was not too long ago... it just seems like millions of hours ago - I took a certain Literature class that I was forced to write in. To be honest, most of the time writing stresses me out. However on rare occasions, words flow out of me. In the rare occasion that I wrote this paper for homework, I was very ill indeed. You see, for some reason I could not swallow food very well, and if I swallowed it the food would mostly come back up. Not a pretty site, I must say. And so, without food and without energy and without sleep because my throat hurt terribly from the wicked stomach acid, I wrote. I wanted to have a healthy appetite and to digest my food. But I could not. I was delirious from lack of food, and was escorted to the Hospital (where very hospitable people serve you :). I desperately wished I could swallow a huge white pill that would give me all the nutrients I needed for the day. However, I could not find one. Thus, I was forced to spend hours forcing nasty food down my sore throat all the while knowing that it would soon come back up. In light of the fact that I was unable to pleasurably eat food...here is the paper written while I was starving to death:

29 October 2010

The Perfect Last Day

If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today…the last twenty-four hours of your life? This question filled me with excitement, and I began contemplating all of the little things that would make me happy. Pretty soon, I had the whole last day of my life planned out. First, I would fill a magnificent crystal bowl with fresh luscious strawberries, blue berries, kiwis, and pineapple, and eat, savoring every bite. I would then sit in the center of a garden surrounded by rainbow colored flowers and fluttering butterflies, and inhale the sweet air. In this garden, a white grand piano would stand majestically. I would allow my fingers to dance over the keys creating magical lullabies. After soaking in this sweet, colorful, and musical beauty, I would travel to a bamboo forest and hug the most furry and soft panda bear. Then I would crawl deep into a cave and stare at the crystallizing wonders of the underworld. Returning to the Earth’s surface, I would find an open grassy field that stretched to the horizon. In this green expanse, I would run like the wind, turn cart-wheels, and twirl around with my arms outstretched. Experiencing so much happiness, I would be filled with a dazed sleepiness. Thus, I would travel to the beach. Lulled by the sound of the waves crashing on the sandy seashore, nothing would make me happier than to jump onto a huge bed covered in fluffy white pillows and comforters. I would snuggle down into them and fall, actually ascend, into a deep refreshing sleep. While I slept, I would soar through clouds and rainbows and swim with Merfolk in their golden palaces.

As I looked back on this imaginary perfect last day, a flaw shone through. All of these experiences would only please my five senses. They were not wrong in themselves, but the position in which I put them was flawed. The simple pleasures of this world, as long as they are not sinful, are blessings from God. They are like little treats or desserts. The problem was that I was eating them as my main course. In Luke 12:34 Jesus explains, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” My utmost treasure was in pleasing my physical senses. My heart was in them, and they were my idols. I was placing them above God saying, “They will fulfill me. These experiences will satisfy my desire for happiness. They will make the perfect last day. I do not need God.” What happens after someone fills up on sweets? They will be very energized and happy for a time. However, after the sugar rush wears off, a crash follows. That would happen to me if I placed pleasing my five senses above pleasing the sixth sense which is not of this body but of the soul: Faith. The treats of this world would fill me and excite me for a time as my senses munched on them. Nevertheless, I would start feeling sick and become tired of them. I would always want more… constantly searching for happiness and fulfillment, but finding disappointment and emptiness instead. I cannot fill the hole in my soul with unsatisfying worldly treats. I need real food.

I want to give the last day of my life to God, and feast on His food. God has given me everything I have. “What do you have that you did not receive?” (1 Corinthians 4:7). God gave me a body with senses, a soul that will live forever, and one life to live. The very fact that I survive each day is a blessing from God. Because He created and furnished me with these presents, He knows the best and most fulfilling way to use them. Thus, I will simply, “give to God what is belongs to God” (Luke 20:25). The day is His.

Once the day is God’s, I must discover what His will for the day is and savor it. In John 4: 32, 34 Jesus declared, “I have food to eat that you know nothing about. My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to finish His work.” God also promises that, “Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13, 14) . . . “those who were hungry hunger no more” (1 Samuel 2:5). I do not want to throw my day away by snacking on the unquenchable desires of my five senses. I will feast on the everlasting food of God, His Word and His will, and cry out to my Father: “Here I am, send me. If you are willing, show me your will for this day, and give me the strength to follow and obey you with all of my heart. Drench me in Your perfect Love and let it bubble over into the lives around me.” My Father will answer, “Ask and it will be given to you. I am willing. Come, and you will see. If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. I have loved you with an everlasting love.” (Matthew 7:7, Luke 5:13, John 1:39, Luke 9:23, Jeremiah 31:3). I want to do what King David said, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). As I feast and delight myself in Him and His will, my unsatisfying fleshly desires will fade. God will consume me with Himself and give me a deeper yearning for Him. “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” (Psalm 42:1, 2). Soon I will realize that He is my food and my dessert, but a dessert whose sweetness will last forever.

The day that God rescues me from myself and my selfish desires completely, and I live wholly for my Savior is worthy of being my last. I do not know when God will come and carry me to His eternal home. “I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you” (Revelation 3:3). Thus, I need to live every day as if it were the last. Whatever God wants me to do; I will depend on his mighty strength and obey. If His will is for me to studiously discover His hidden treasures in the Bible, I will obey. Whether it is bursting with gratitude towards my Savior and sharing with everyone around me the Gospel, the Story of God’s love, in my actions and words, I will obey. It does not matter if I am uncomfortable, and the world hates and persecutes me. God is my Comforter. He has overcome the world. I will feast on God’s perfect will for me, and an everlasting Joy will consume and satisfy me. This will be a day worthy of a name: The Perfect Last Day.

Know That You Know

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not
is a fool..........shun him
He who knows not and knows that he knows not
is a student........teach him
He who knows and knows not that he knows
is a blind man......lead him
He who knows and knows that he knows
is a wise man.............follow him


My Granddaddy said this to me and I begged him to repeat it over and over until it was ground in my deepest mind. Why do I like it so much? I have yet to discover the answer to that question. For some reason, I begged God to give me wisdom and He answered, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. To stay away from evil is understanding." What is the 'fear of the Lord'? And how do I stay away from evil? I believe that I must seek God's face to run the race of life at my own pace until God picks me up and takes me Home to Heaven to be with Him for eternity. But I must always remember that without God's grace, I've already lost the race. I cannot wait for God to rescue me from the pains of life. Why do I cry so much? I cry because so many people around me are dead and I must share with them God's free gift of eternal life. Why am I so selfish? My Lord, help me to be not so selfish.

Thank you God for being so BEAUTIFUL =) Will there be rain in Heaven Lord? Because I love the wet diamonds that fall from the sky like a giant waterfall. Please God let it rain in Heaven and let the rain be rainbow colored. And please let there be a crystal clear grandpiano made of glass. I want it to be see through it so that I can see the gold and silver threads as they vibrate into musical melodies. Revelation 7:17 (I think...I wish I could remember references :) And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes and He will catch every tear in His Crystal bottle of Life.

Why do people think there will be no tears in Heaven? What if we cry tears of joy, and God tenderly wipes them away. What if I believe crying is beautiful. "Jesus wept" Jesus wept and yet ... He is perfect. (God is perfect, and we are perfectly imperfect - my oldest sister just told me that; I was quite delighted in the phrase :) Yes! Crystals of wet salt that trickle down a face to show emotion are beautiful. God made tears. They are a gift that God gives us to relieve us from exploding with emotion whether happy or sad. Why does God love me? Well, He loves me in-spite of all of my errors. He loves me in-spite of myself. God loves me because it is His Nature to Love. Satan is sick. But God is Healthy and full of Love. God is Love, and Love is God. Thank you for loveing me, my Father and Husband. Why are You so BEAUTIFUL? Why are whys wise?

As you can see, I have alot of questions and I am waiting (hopefully patiently because patience is a virtue :) for God to answer them. Please God, I yearn to hear Your voice and see You face to face. Take me Home...in Your perfect timing that is =) It is so wonderful to be alive. Thank You for life.

Crystal Clear

Dear People who love to read blogs,
I have a secret...it is really cool so I will tell you write away because as the saying goes, "secrets don't make friends, but friends make secrets. Thus, as a friend I must tell you my secret:

Once upon a time, there lived a girl who was blind. She went to go get her drivers' license. The Policewoman said, "Why do you look so scared?" The timid girl answered, "I'm sorry." The Policewoman said, "You don't need to be scared. You either pass or fail. That's all you do. If at first you don't succeed, try try again." Then the Policewoman ordered, "stand over there miss, please, and I will take your picture." The confused girl whispered, "stand where? And why are you going to take my picture? It is not nice to steal." (she did not actually say that, but it would have been funny if she had :) And so the Policewoman took the girl's picture (I thought Police were not supposed to steal!) Afterwards, the girl said with tears welling up in her eyes, "I think I blinked. Could you take another picture from me please?" The Policewoman looked at the girl and did a fake frowny pouty face and said, "please sit down in the chair." The girl looks around the room and points to the only chair in front of the desk with questioning eyes, "This chair?" she asks. The Policewoman answers, "Yes Miss, sit down and look through this." She points at a weird creepy black machine thing with goggles poking out. As the girl slowly sits down she eyes the foreboding contraption of technology and asks, "you want me to look through that?" The Policewoman answers, "Yes, what other thing is there to look through?".......If you have not noticed yet, I will tell you that this pore girl asks really pointless questions. At least they are pointless and not sharp, because if they were sharp they would cut people. And this girl does not want to heart people. Needless to say, common cents fails her. She is too deep to think of shallow things and not shallow enough to not think of deep things...........

Okay, I will finish this secret story in the near future. Write now I need to slo to geep (that means go to sleep in genius language :)

Hope you, the invisible reader, has enjoyed my story thus far. If you do not want to read it, if it hurts your eyes, if it hurts your brain, than just close your eyes and walk away. No need to torture yourself for my sake.

From the girl named Little Debbie Cakes (as one boy called me at The Backwoods Christian Camp I just arrived home from)

P.S. Hear is one of my favorite sayings:
LIFE IS NOT ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO END
IT IS ABOUT LEARNING TO DANCE IN THE RAIN